The AmyStrange & the Criminal Series by Dave Ayotte
[ TABLE OF CONTENTS ]
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WHAT REVOLUTION? What the fuck am I talking about?
[ TOP | TABLE of CONTENTS | TOP ] OK, IT'S NOT REALLY A REVOLUTION, but it is coming, and you can be a part of it. Historically, writers have had very few choices on how to get their work read by the general public, especially if they wanted to get paid. Publishing houses were the ones that decided who got published, and who didn't. Even if they decided you got pub- lished, that didn't mean they'd spend any money advertising for you. BUT NOW, WITH THE INTERNET, and some forward thinking by Amazon, it's a whole lot easier. Advertising still remains a problem, though, but I figure letting everyone read my first book for FREE would be the best way to do that. You, the reader, are more impor- tant, than me the writer, and I think it's only fair that you get to read my first book for free, before buying my other two books. I also have three more coming soon. One of them is almost finished. I don't know if what I'm doing, or gonna do, will be the future of books or reading, but right now, I'm willing to give it a shot anyway. How 'bout you? Are you willing to give it a shot too? I'm not a fly-by-night, and this ain't no scam. It's the real deal. No money, no adver- tisements, no viruses, no nothing. Just plain good reading. (With lots of swearing) GO HERE TO READ MY FIRST BOOK FOR FREE (It's a webpage, that thinks it's an e-book): HTTP://WWW.ATOMADNESS.COM/ OR, GO BACK TO THE TOP AND DOWNLOAD your own, FREE, personal e-book version, to keep forever and ever. It's still a little rough around the edges, but still a damn good read. (With even more swearing) PLEASE! KEEP THIS BOOK AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN!
SERIES OVERVIEW
[ TOP | TABLE of CONTENTS | TOP ] (SORRY for the VIEW, but the Cat won't let me change it, and have you ever tried to argue with a Cat?!) These stories may seem unbelievable at first, a talking Cat advising the President, Beth's ability to shoot blindfolded, the Criminal's magic rope trick, that the government is not always out to get you, true love, the re- incarnation of Simon Templar, an invisible RV and plane, the FBI being able to tolerate working with these almost outlaws, and all those missing, but before you're finished, you'll believe. Maybe not in talking Cats, but that there really are good people out there, hiding all around us, just waiting for something good to believe in, and then act on it. You might even be one of them! The gal or guy in the next office, cubicle, seat on the bus, plane or just walking by on the street, might be one too. They might be the most intolerable person on the planet, but when it comes to crunch time, and they see a kitten on the third floor of a burning building, they will act. There really are people out there like that, but the hardest part is getting some of them together like I did in these stories: AFTER killing his pet kitten in an uncontrollable rage, the guilt forces the Criminal to spend the rest of his life saving abused animals. It's either that or commit suicide. Dying while saving an animal seemed like the better choice. It also gives him these uncontrollable impulses to do crazy things, like running blindly across a busy highway to save a bird or diving headfirst off the side of a bridge to save some drowning bunnies. He tries to make fun of it, but ever since meeting his dream girl, Beth, he worries constantly about killing her in an uncontrollable rage too. He enlist a crazy shrink, Dr. Zinger, for help, but all she suggest is that he start a Journal. This is it, but what's crazy is while writing it, he also meets a talking Cat, AmyStrange, and begins to wonder if maybe it isn't a sign that he's about to go bonkers, out of control, crazy and maybe kill Beth for real. He knows she won't go down easy. She'll probably kill him first, or just shoot him in the leg. She carries a Glock 19 with her everywhere and is better than an expert shot, even when she's blindfolded. The Cat begs the Criminal to help her escape, and the adventures that follow are not only hilarious but also a dark look at the disturbing worlds of missing persons, euthanasia, animal abuse and mental illness. It truly is a joyride through hell. THE SERIES: PART 1: the Escape (AVAILABLE NOW) The Criminal, his fianc e, and secret friends help AmyStrange, the talking Cat, escape from her captors. [GET PART 1 FOR FREE] PART 2: the Disappearance (AVAILABLE NOW) The Criminal's pretend arch-enemy disappears, and it's up to AmyStrange to find her. PART 3: the Road Trip (AVAILABLE NOW) The gang heads to Seattle to help rescue two of AmyStrange's cat buddies. PART 4: the Wedding (COMING SOON) (AKA: This Book Is Not for Children) The gang runs around the country finding missing persons, ending with the Wedding of Beth and the Criminal. PART 5: the Killings (COMING SOON) Someone s killing black cats, starting from the West Coast, and it looks like they re headed straight for AmyStrange. PART 6: the Corporation (COMING SOON) Beth and the Criminal are enjoying their upcoming parenthood, but what s left of The Corporation wants them dead.
the FIRST 10 PAGES [CLICK HERE] TO READ ALL OF PART 1 NOW, ON THIS WEBSITE REMEMBER: THIS BOOK IS NOT FOR CHILDREN
[ TOP | TABLE of CONTENTS | TOP ] (Oh, quit bitchin'. My favorite parts comin' up!) AmyStrange & the Criminal (PART 1: THE ESCAPE) A Novel by Dave Ayotte Copyright 2019 by David P. Ayotte PROLOGUE Dear Fellow Readers, the story you are about to read is true, but that doesn't mean you're going to buy it. Hell, I've seen Amy talk, and I still can't believe it. Amy is short for AmyStrange and also one of the reasons this story sounds "fake", because she's a cat, and she can talk. The Criminal, in case you're wondering, is a patient of mine, and he's also the one who helped her escape from the Secret Room where she was being held captive. Now I know you're probably think- ing that the cat is a figment of his imagination, and this whole story is just a part of all that, but this is not like that movie with the crazy man who sees an invisible rabbit and can also talk to it. This is not that kind of story at all, because unlike that movie, I've actually seen AmyStrange talk. Who am I, and why should you care? Well, what I'm supposed to be is a "fake" character in this unbelievable story but let me introduce myself anyway. My name's Dr. Zee Singer, but the Criminal likes to call me Dr. Zinger, and I've been his psychiatrist for a few years now. I could get all technical on your ass, but I really don't see the fucking point, and that reminds me, if you don't like cussing, drop this book right now and go find something else to read, please. For the rest of you, here's the real, "fake" lowdown. To start off, the Criminal may be a little crazy, but he's not bat-shit crazy. What he has is a form of post- traumatic stress that I've never seen or heard of before. It gives him these impulses that make him do things that would normally kill you or me, and sometimes he can stop himself, but most of the time, he's running across a busy highway right in front of a sixteen- wheeler to save a hurt bird or diving off a bridge to save some bunnies from drowning, and he doesn't even know how to swim! That's as technical as I'm going to get, except I do have to set one thing straight. In his Journal, he writes about having an eidetic memory, but what he's really got is hyper- thymesia, and that's basically a photo- graphic memory on steroids. Only eigh- teen people in our Universe have the ability to remember everything they see and hear from birth, and I wanted him to get tested, but he refused. I'll explain why in a minute. I think he originally got the idea from that TV show, and surprisingly enough, you folks had the same show on your side, but before I go any further, let me explain what I mean by your side. I've searched everywhere in our Universe for some kind of explanation or even just more information, but I can't find anything that's even close. Nothing on the web, in the journals, books, or any of the papers on PTSD. Even my colleagues were stumped. I didn't know where else to turn until Zack and Jack, a couple scientist from over here, discovered a way to cross over to your Universe, and I know that's another thing that's going to be hard to believe, because I didn't believe it either, until I met my doppelg nger. Even with my background in college physics, all I got out of their expla- nation was that it had something to do with synchronizing frequencies, and that's it. I'm sure my patient will give you a better description in his Journal, but basically, I volunteered to go next after Zack and Jack took separate trips to test it out and to also get every- thing ready for mine. They also explained that most everything over on your side was the same, like your money and even your languages. The transfer was almost instan- taneous, like a flash, and I didn't feel any different, but everything around me definitely was. Instead of standing in the lab, I was now in the waiting room of my office, and then a mirror image of me walked in. She screamed, and I fell to the floor. It took a couple days for both of us to get over the shock of meeting each other, and also the shock of where I was from, but in the end, she was more than happy to help. Of course, she needed to read the Journals, and then do some research. The Criminal said it was ok, but I did warn her that the first few entries were crap. This is also for you, oh faithful reader, because it's the first time he's ever done anything like it, and it shows. I know the beginning sucks, but believe me, it gets better with time, just like a crappy wine gets better after a few glasses. Anyway, I went back a week later, and she'd finished reading the Journal, but hadn't started the research yet, except to e-mail out some preliminary inquiries and read some of the books she had. We talked for hours, and I found out about some of the things that were different on your side. For example, the guy in your Universe, that became my patient, died in the same horrific car crash that killed the Criminal's parents on my side. What I also found very interesting was how close I felt and how much alike we were, but fortunately, her thinking was just a tad bit more radical than mine. She suggested that we publish his Journals as novels in her Universe, explaining that except for the talking cat, the invisible RV, and the crossing over thing, most of it could've been written over there, but the most impor- tant thing was that it might bring in some folks that know about these side effects, and maybe they'll have more information, or better yet, a cure. It was worth a shot, and I also wanted to do the same thing over here, but the Criminal said no. He didn t want Beth or any of his friends to get in harm s way because of the fucked-up thing that he did when he was young, stupid, and an epic asshole. He's also afraid that someone might try to steal AmyStrange because of it, and I can certainly understand both reasons. Anyway, when we first started this project, finding some kind of cure was the goal, but now I'm beginning to wonder if that's still a good idea. The impulses actually do help him save abused animals, and I have to ask myself, how many animals would die if I took that ability away, and do I have the right to do that? Ultimately, it's the Criminal's decision, but fortunately, both he and Beth are also wondering about the same thing. Until we've figured that one out, we decided to go ahead with the original plan, and as unbelievable as this story may be, please remember one thing. Even though none of it's true, if you or someone you know has the same kind of problem, the publishers of this book would like to hear from you. Thank you, Dr. Zee Singer
Wednesday, October 15th
(dictated 4:20 pm, Oct 29)
The guy at the store said it d be easy,
but he must ve been drunk, because the
instructions were pure, fucking
gibberish.
Here, check it out.
No thanks. I get enough of that
gibberish crap from you and guess what?
Now you know how I feel. Hey! What the
f... look!
What?
The screen. Look at the screen.
Look at the...? Holy shit! It s
working! It s finally fucking working!
Yay! Yay! Yay!
Calm down, Jumpity Sam. It s just a
dictating program, and not the cure for
cancer, but it is pretty cool watching
our words pop up.
It s almost instantaneous, like... like
it can read our minds or something.
I think that's called auto-fill.
Auto what?
Auto-fill. The machine s predicting
what we re gonna say.
Oh, ok, but other than that, doesn t it
still look weird?
It does a little. All that space and
shouldn t there be quotation marks or
something? Wow! Now it looks even
weirder, or in your case, dorkier.
I should fix that.
You can t fix dorky, and I know,
because I ve been trying for almost
nine years now, and you re still a
dork.
Come on. Am I that bad? Really?
Well, it s more funny than true, but
you do have your moments.
Now that, I have to agree with,
but what s with the dork fixation all
of a sudden?
I was playing around online, you
know, looking for weird shit, and I ran
across something called Dorks-Are-You,
and it s funny as hell.
Dorks-Are-You? Are you sure that s
not Dorks-Are-Us?
Nope. You re the dork, not me, and
it s got all the latest dork news,
weather, jokes, and even has a
crossword puzzle. Did you know that
dorks can now wear jeans? I didn t even
know that was a problem.
The weather too? How s that work?
The same as ours, except it
doesn t seem to do anything but rain in
Dorkland. As a matter of fact, it s
been the headline news for weeks, and
that pretty much sums up your whole
life, doesn t it?
It kinda does, but shouldn t I say
something nice here, you know, like how
you give me all the sunshine I need,
and those rain drops are really just
tears of happiness, or something sappy
like that?
Hmm, those aren t too bad for a
dork.
Ok, enough with the dork jokes,
please, and besides, I ve always worn
jeans. I ve got some on right now, damn
it.
I know. That s what s so confusing
about it.
Whatever. Now please, let me
concentrate, so I can find where she...
Fuck!
Now what?
Now I ve got to start adding
context. Fuck!
Context?
You ll see. Settings... settings?
Ok, there we go, click, click, click,
aha and voila! There you go my love,
quotation marks and all that other
jazz.
Nice, but now, about this arch-
enemy thing. What s up with that? She s
like what, fourteen-years-old? How can
you possibly hate a fourteen-year-old?
I know, I know, but I don t hate
her, Beth. She s just diabolical, and
if you don t watch her like a freakin
hawk, she ll be running this place, and
then we ll be out on the street, shov-
eling dirt for peanuts.
Ok, this is one of those times,
Crim, because what the hell does that
even mean? Shoveling dirt for peanuts?
It just means that she s trouble
with a capital T.
Beth rolled her eyes.
Now see, that s just more gibber-
ish, on top of all that other gibber-
ish, but whatever, she said.
Personally, I think she s nice.
That s the diabolical part, and
it s what arch-enemies do. They act all
nice and shit, and make you feel all
safe and secure and happy, and then
they pounce.
Pounce?
Jump, or leap on you, like a
rabid peanut butter cookie and suck you
dry from the inside out.
Sheesh. I m sorry I even asked
now, and I ll probably also regret
this, but what s this for? Beth asked,
pointing to the computer.
After asking, she thought about it
for a few seconds, and then realized
she already knew the answer and just
needed me to confirm it.
What answer? What the hell are
you talking about? Beth asked with
disgust.
I did not ask that with disgust,
Beth said with even more disgust.
Hey!
That s what I mean by context, I
said and chuckled.
While fiddling around with the
settings, I added, This is for that
Journal Dr. Zinger wants. Remember?
I do, but not about that, cause
I can t tell if you re talking to me or
the freakin machine?
What do you mean? I asked, pre-
tending to be perplexed too, but I knew
exactly what she was talking about. I
just wanted to screw around with her
head a little bit.
You weasel! That part, and all
that other dramatic context crap, Beth
said, and then laughed.
This Journal s gonna be one long
dramatic lie, ain t it?
It s what Dr. Zinger wants. She
thinks my feelings are way more impor-
tant than your damn facts, I said and
continued to fiddle with some of the
other settings.
If you re gonna get that worked
up about it, you can add stuff at the
end.
But what about your lies? Do I
also get to fix those, or maybe, if you
want, I could spice it up a whole lot
and make it even more unbelievable.
Spice it up? No, and no, you
don t get to fix my... ARRRGH!! You can
add stuff at the end, and that s it! I
tried to pretend I was mad, but that
fucking crooked smile of yours.
Damn it, Beth! Stop it!
Ok, that still might be fun, she
said, and even stopped smiling.
You know, Crim. I m kinda begin-
ning to like this context thing of
yours. I can t wait to read it and add
my own.
When I m done.
If you say so, she said, and I
could almost see the gears turning in
her head. She s cooking something up.
Oh yeah, I ve got something cook-
ing, all right. Dr. Zinger and I are
gonna straighten your ass out, and you
can take that to the bank, buster.
That reminds me. How s dinner
coming along?
Darryl s doing an awesome job.
Can t you smell it? she said, sniffed
the air, and then looked back at me.
And, don t think you re gonna
change the subject that easily.
What subject?
She gave me her serious look.
Are you really gonna lie about
things in this Journal of yours, be-
cause then, what s the point? I mean,
why see a shrink, if you re just going
to lie to her about everything? I m
sorry, but I don t see how that helps.
You and your brutal honesty
crap, I said with disgust.
You did say that with disgust,
and that s what I mean. Getting down to
the dirty stuff. The stuff you don t
want to hear or talk about, and that s
when you ll figure it all out.
Yeah, yeah, I know, brutal hones-
ty ain t pretty, and all that other
blah, blah, blah, bullshit. You ve been
talking to Dr. Zinger again, haven t
you? That s all she talks about too.
That and getting butt fucked everywhere
I go.
You laugh and make jokes, but
you ll see that we re right, she said
and sat in my lap.
So?
So, what?
Are you going to be honest with
her... about everything?
About Scratches? Oh yeah, I defi-
nitely have to be honest about her.
Scratches definitely, but no, I
mean about the talking cat. AmyStrange,
right? Are you gonna tell her about
that?
I guess I have to, I said and
started fiddling with one of the set-
tings. I think in Amy s case, Cat
should definitely be capitalized.
I agree, Beth said and smiled.
If she s real.
I m not even sure myself. Except
for the selfie, the ten-thousand dol-
lars, and the fact that I ve actually
seen her talk, I ve got nothing. All I
can say is we ll definitely know for
sure Friday.
I can t wait. This is gonna be
one freaky Halloween, she said and
started scrolling to the top of the
page.
Why does the date stamp say Octo-
ber 15th? That was two weeks ago. Why
don t you just start today? Oh Christ!
That s when you tried to save those...
Beth, Beth, Beth! I literally
screamed. Don t give it away! Please!
Ok, ok, ok! she literally
screamed back at me.
Don t go all crazy on me, buddy.
Save that shit for your shrink, she
said a little quieter.
She pulled out her gun, and it
looks like she s checking to see if
it s loaded, but I m not really sure.
I m not a big fan, but she definitely
is. She carries that thing everywhere,
even to bed.
She can cure you, but I m the
only one who gets to shoot you. That s
my job, and you know what my motto is,
right? she asked, ignoring my comment
and aimed at the ceiling.
BANG! she yelled.
Shoot first, ask questions later?
Make the first shot count? What?
Nope. Kill-shot, well, your sec-
ond one is half right, she said, and
then put her gun back.
In your case, though, I ll proba-
bly just shoot you in the leg.
How comforting.
I m just bustin your bucket of
beans, boyfriend, she said and kissed
me.
And, if you can get that brutal
honesty jazz right, I might not have to
shoot you at all. Now come on, get
those lies down, and then get your ass
downstairs, before Darryl throws your
stuff out.
Throws my stuff out? What do you
mean?
I think he s gettin just a
teensy-weensy bit impatient, she an-
swered.
He said that if you re not down
by, like now, then your share s going
out to the barn.
Really, and you waited ten-min-
utes to tell me this, instead of right
off the bat?
She walked over to the window and
opened the curtain.
Nope, I don t see him yet, but
don t worry. I think I can get you an-
other thirty minutes, maybe.
Isn t he just pretending to be a
butler? I asked. I don t remember
ever seeing a butler do that.
Seriously, how many butlers do
you know, and the ones on TV don t
count?
Well, in that case, none really.
See, so for all you know. This
might be a common practice in the but-
lering world, and besides, if you
really think about it. Wouldn t it piss
you off, if after spending all day
cooking this fantabulous meal, someone
waited until it got cold before eating
it? Wouldn t that just piss you off?
Come on, be honest.
I guess you re right.
I m always right, Beth said.
Now, shouldn t you be putting
this into some kind of context, like
how I m winning debate after debate and
shooting your arguments down like wet
cardboard boxes? You know, true stuff
like that.
Was I sleeping during all of
that, because I don t remember any of
it, but you d better go eat, and please
get me those extra thirty. That should
give me enough time to dictate a really
quick bio, and also what happened on
the 15th.
Ok then, I ll leave you to your
lies, and see what I can do about
Darryl, but you d better hurry, she
said, gave me another kiss, and then
was gone.
Crap and all that fucking bull-
shit. Brutal honesty can t be that
fucking hard, but damn it. I know Beth
wouldn t shoot me. She s super safety
conscious about all her guns, but some-
times I still wondered, just a little
bit.
Let s see, I think she has five,
six...
Seven. I ve also got an assault
rifle in the attic, Beth said from the
stairs.
Shut up and get me those thirty
minutes.
Roger that, Mister Prickly Puss.
Prickly Puss? Where the hell does
she get this shit?
Ok, seven guns, and she also makes
her own ammunition. She s also the
fastest draw and best shot, that I ve
ever seen in my whole life.
Ok, enough about her, for now.
Brutal honesty sucks, Doc, and I
remember telling you that, but you
didn t care.
It s easier than getting fucked
up the ass, you said, and besides,
it s the key to a butt-fuck-free life.
Why am I always getting butt
fucked here?
No, this is where the butt fuck
stops, and brutal honesty is the key.
Just keep doing it until some of that
ugly shit starts coming out, and that s
when you ll know you re in the right
neighborhood.
I won t kid you, Crim. Getting
rid of the butt fuckers won t be easy
or painless either.
Yeah, I ll bet.
Sometimes, you re gonna have to
dig deep, but even still, getting into
that really ugly neighborhood is only
half the battle.
The real battle's gonna be when
you have to admit the truth, and that s
gonna be the hardest thing you ll ever
do, but it s also the one thing that ll
cure you. I guarantee it.
You already know the answer,
don t you? Why don t you just cut the
bullshit and give it to me?
Believe me. I d love to give it
to you straight, you said, but you
won t believe me, until you figure it
out for yourself anyway. All I can do
is help guide you there.
Not even a clue, huh?
Nope, you said and got up, Now,
get the hell out of here, before I
start charging you even more money.
And don t forget that Journal,
you added and then closed the door on
me.
I thought that d be easy, espe-
cially since you didn t care what I
wrote.
Even if you just babble incoher-
ently, I don t care. I just want to
read something you wrote, were your
exact words, but that was obviously
bullshit too.
On my way home and with that in
mind, I stopped and bought a big note-
book and some pens. I started writing
that night, and by our next session, it
was almost full.
What the fuck is this shit? you
said, after reading the first para-
graph, and then tossed it back at me.
This is gibberish, masquerading as...
Shit, Crim, did you just open a dictio-
nary and randomly write words down?
I reread it, and damn, you were
right. I always thought my writing was
ok, but this was crap, and double damn,
that really was hard to admit, Doc.
I think you need to take some
writing classes, you said, and while
you re at it, you might as well take
some on computers and psychology.
Do I also have to take a butt-
fucking course?
No... just take calculus. That ll
be enough.
Ha, ha, I made that last part up,
Doc, but taking classes did sound like
a good idea, except there was no way I
was doing calculus. Sorry, Doc.
The psychology classes were inter-
esting, though, and I ended up taking
more than just a couple of those. They
helped explain a lot of things about
the subconscious and how genetics
played a sneaky part in all of it.
One of my teachers even mentioned
you a couple times, like you guys were
talking about me, but you wouldn t give
me any of the details.
Not yet, anyway, you explained.
I want to read your Journal first.
I just hope, that when you do, I m
still your patient.
Anyway, besides Psych 101, I took
a couple writing classes, a computer
class, and also one on typing. They
helped a lot, especially the computer
one, but then, I ran across a whole
different kind of a problem.
I don t know why, but typing some-
thing down into a computer seemed so,
so... permanent, like everyone would be
reading and criticizing every single
word I used, forever and ever.
All that just overwhelmed the fuck
out of me, and I couldn t figure out
the right first word. I finally decided
that, Today, I, was kind of ok, but
then all I did after that was ramble on
and on about stupid shit.
Kinda like what I m doing right
now, but after five years of looking
for the perfect first paragraph, I got
this dictating program, and the way
this one started is better than per-
fect.
Beth was perfect. She loves taking
the opposite side of most of my argu-
ments, and she s good at it too.
I m not even gonna change the way
it looks either.
Ok, enough about that.
The bottom line, the brutally hon-
est truth, is that I m not a good per-
son, and you ll understand why in a few
minutes, if you get that far.
You already know most of this
Beth, but Dr. Zinger doesn t know about
Scratches, and it s about time you did.
I m not gonna make excuses or
blame this on anyone else. I did some-
thing so fucking horrible, that...
shit, I wouldn t blame you, if after
reading about it, you did decide to
drop me as a patient.
It changes people, and I m worried
that it ll also change you. I ve lost
so many friends because of it...
Anyway, like I told you before, I
have an eidetic memory, or as everyone
else likes to call it, a photographic
memory.
It s not perfect, because I still
have memory lapses, but most of the
time, all I have to do is think of a
date and time, and I m reliving it like
a movie.
I can also fast-forward, rewind,
or freeze a frame and study it like a
photograph.
It s why I can go back to when I
was six, and also two weeks ago, and
dictate it like it s happening right in
front of me.
You can take what I dictate as
ospel, except maybe the context. That s
obviously my personal opinion.
Anyway, most of the time, I have
control over my playback functions, but
what you don t know is why I sometimes
lose that control.
Long before I met you, I decided
to stop telling people about it, be-
cause I ve been beat up, almost killed
a couple times, and even Beth wanted to
shoot me when she found out about it.
I guess if I fought back, I would-
n t get beat up so much, but why?
That s exactly what I deserve, and af-
ter that first punch, all I can see is
that video anyway. The pain feels good,
but dying, I don t know about that one
anymore.
Back in the beginning, dying real-
ly would ve solved everything. No more
Darkness. No more video. No more guilt.
No more anything, but now, it scares
the fuck out of me.
I get these crazy impulses, and I
just can t stop myself.
If I m on the top of a ten-story
building, and I see someone hurting an
animal across the street, I will liter-
ally walk off the side of the building
to save that animal. It s just like I m
stepping off the curb and crossing the
street, except I m ten stories up, and
I don t have a safety net, but I do
have a magic rope.
If I have time to think about it,
I can usually stop myself, but most of
the time, I m not even thinking about
the consequences, about Beth, our
babies, or nothing. I m already fal-
ling off the side of the building, and
that s what really scares the fuck out
of me, Doc.
You might think I m lyin about
stepping off buildings, and shit like
that, but wait until I tell you about
what happened two weeks ago.
If you get that far, of course.
So, grab a beer, a coffee, or
whatever gets you the fuck comfortable,
and strap yourself in, because this is
gonna be one hell of a wild fucking
ride.
Screaming, of course, is always
optional...
[CLICK HERE] TO READ THE REST OF PART 1
CHAPTER SUMMARIES: PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4
[ TOP | TABLE of CONTENTS | TOP ] PART 1: THE ESCAPE CHAPTER 1 Wednesday, October 15th (dictated 4:20 pm, Oct 29) The Criminal finally gets a Journal started for his Shrink, Dr. Zinger, and pretends it's October 15th. He dictates a quick biography, starting with how he got his nick, the death of his parents, and how he snapped and killed his pet kitten, Scratches. All this leads up to the 15th, when he risk his life to save six bunnies from drowning. CHAPTER 2 Monday, October 20th (dictated 6:40 pm, Oct 29) The Criminal is facing serious jail time for the stupid thing he did to save those six bunnies, but Randy Johnson comes to the rescue, and also becomes his PO (Parole Officer). CHAPTER 3 Wednesday, October 22nd (dictated 6:58 pm, Oct 29) The Criminal explains where he works, because that's where the "Secret Room" is at. CHAPTER 4 Thursday, October 23rd (dictated 7:16 pm, Oct 29) The Criminal hears a voice coming from behind a vent that leads into the Secret Room. The voice ask him about a talking horse called Mr. Ed, and then gives him a clue about three of the people that worked in there, Frankenstein and his two evil assistants. CHAPTER 5 Friday, October 24th (dictated 7:21 pm, Oct 29) The Criminal meets AmyStrange, the talking Cat, a genetic experiment gone crazy, and also the voice from behind the vent. The Criminal quickly agrees to help the Cat escape. CHAPTER 6 Saturday, October 25th (dictated 7:46 pm, Oct 29) Friday night, Beth and the Criminal do their first Halloween Patrol of the year. The next day, the Criminal does his best not to look crazy, while his PO comes by with his family for a barbeque. It's why he waits until after they leave before telling Beth about the talking Cat, and of course, she doesn't believe him. Would you? CHAPTER 7 Sunday, October 26th (dictated 8:05 pm, Oct 29) The Criminal meets up with his secret friends for their monthly secret meeting. Beth pretends not to know anything about it. The Criminal's arch-enemy is also there, and like usual, they go at each other like little children. The Criminal's secret friends join them on their Halloween Patrol that night, except Beth doesn't know anything about it, or so the Criminal thinks. CHAPTER 8 Monday, October 27th (dictated 8:29 pm, Oct 29) The Criminal finally gets to see inside the Secret Room. Plus, the Cat gives him a debit card with ten thousand dollars on it. CHAPTER 9 Tuesday, October 28th (dictated 8:35 pm, Oct 29) Beth stops pretending that she doesn't know anything about the Criminal's secret friends. She also ask him to marry her, as she pushes him out the door to go to work. The Cat explains who everyone was that worked in the Secret Room, how she learned she could talk, and also about how she was able to get the ten thousand dollars. CHAPTER 10 Wednesday, October 29th, (dictated 2:22 am, Oct 30) Beth explains how she learned about the Criminal's secret friends. The Cat tells the Criminal about the scream that changed everything. Darryl comes over to practice being a butler. The Criminal finally gets his Journal started by pretending it's October 15th. CHAPTER 11 Thursday, October 30th (dictated 10:07 pm) The Cat gives the Criminal another six debit cards with another ten thousand on each of them. Beth tells the Criminal about three obscure references that a professor at the College had given her. They were about talking cats from the past. The saddest one was allegedly from the Salem Witch Trials. CHAPTER 12 Thursday, October 30th (dictated 2:32 am, Oct 31) The Criminal, Beth and everyone else go on their last Halloween Patrol, before they help the Cat escape. The Criminal remembers his first Halloween Patrol, and the second one when he met Beth. CHAPTER 13 Friday, October 31st (dictated 6:11 pm) An armed military person is guarding the door to the Secret Room. The Criminal worries about that for the rest of the day. CHAPTER 14 Friday, October 31st (dictated 1:13 am, Nov 1) That night, all his secret friends meet Beth in person, as they get together to prepare for the Cat's escape. No one seemed particularly worried about the armed guard. They thought the whole talking Cat business was a ruse to get them together, so they could announce their engagement. Little did they know. CHAPTER 15 Saturday, November 1st (dictated 7:56 am) Once they Cat-nap the Cat, the Criminal's relieved to know he isn't crazy. The Cat tells her adoring audience about the money, and the history of the evil human race according to her, AmyStrange.
CHAPTER SUMMARIES: PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4
[ TOP | TABLE of CONTENTS | TOP ] PART 2: THE DISAPPEARANCE CHAPTER 16 Saturday, November 1st 10:13 am (5 hours missing) The Criminal's arch-enemy, Rhonda, goes missing. CHAPTER 17 Saturday, November 1st, 10:14 am (5 hours missing) And once again, the Criminal says something stupid, as Rhonda's mother struggles to get free and scratch his eyes out. CHAPTER 18 Saturday, November 1st, 11:18 am (6 hours missing) Detective Johnson meets the Cat. CHAPTER 19 Saturday, November 1st, 11:29 pm (18 hours missing) One of the Cat's genetic superpowers is the ability to zone in on where someone was by scent alone. It was a great plan until it didn't work. They end up searching through Ghost Town, until the rain starts coming down in buckets. The Criminal, Beth and the Cat brainstorm until everything becomes one jumbled mess. Beth suggest that maybe a little sleep will help clear their heads. CHAPTER 20 Sunday, November 2nd, 4:19 am (23 hours missing) Beth's idea works, and the Criminal now knows where he screwed up. CHAPTER 21 Sunday, November 2nd, 4:20 am (23 hours missing) The gang finds Rhonda. CHAPTER 22 Sunday, November 4:58 am (Found) And her sister Stephanie too. They're both alive, but severely traumatized by their experience. CHAPTER 23 Sunday, November 2nd, 5:49 am (dictated 7:03 pm) The Criminal literally runs and gets the Parkers so they can go back to the hospital to make a positive ID of Stephanie. The Criminal calls Dr. Zinger for her help. CHAPTER 24 Sunday, November 2nd, 8:00 am (dictated 7:19 pm) The Criminal does something stupid again, and almost gets himself killed, but it works. CHAPTER 25 Sunday, November 2nd, 10:30 am (dictated 8:07 pm) The Cat tells everyone where they're going to free her buddies, Seattle. Beth gives Mouse and Pee Wee a tour of the farm. The Cat doesn't know what a movie is. Pee Wee and the Criminal know exactly what her first movie should be. CHAPTER 26 Sunday, November 2nd, 11:53 am (dictated 8:52 pm) The Cat watches these movies, in this order, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Casablanca, and Miracle on 34th Street. CHAPTER 27 Monday, November 3rd, 1:00 am (dictated 2:13 am) The Criminal, Darryl, and the Cat discuss movies, good and bad people, giving liquor to a Cat, and the Darknet. CHAPTER 28 Monday, November 3rd, 6:29 am (dictated 10:58 am) Beth, the Criminal, and the Cat go to the hospital to see Stephanie and bring her the bunny the Criminal promised her yesterday. Dr. Zinger almost kills the Cat. CHAPTER 29 Monday, November 3rd, 9:00 am (dictated 11:31 am) Since going to Seattle now entailed going cross-country by Mobile, they find one that's straight off the screen of a sci-fi movie. It can almost turn invisible, and that's just one of the many, many things it can do. The gang meets Rhonda s friends, Zack and Jack, and also get a tour of their lab and where the Mobile was built. CHAPTER 30 Monday, November 3rd, Noon (dictated 9:13 pm) Everyone gets a chance to drive the Mobile, except the Criminal. He gets his chance when they get to the hospital to drop Rhonda off. The Parkers agree to spend the night on the Criminal's farm, and everyone else does too. CHAPTER 31 Monday, November 3rd, 8:00 pm (dictated 9:42 pm) While Beth holds on for dear l ife, the Criminal drives to pick up the Parkers. After coming back alive with them, Beth gives another tour of the farm, telling Bowser's story, and Fang's too. CHAPTER 32 Tuesday, November 4th, 6:32 am (dictated 10:14 am) Everyone spends the night. Beth and the Criminal spend it sleeping with their babies. Rhonda joins them. Her and the Criminal talk over this whole arch-enemy business before falling asleep. The next morning, everyone gets ready to leave, but before they do, the Cat talks to the Parkers, and decides that God is a mad scientist, and that she also lives in the Criminal's attic.
CHAPTER SUMMARIES: PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4
[ TOP | TABLE of CONTENTS | TOP ] PART 3: THE ROAD TRIP CHAPTER 33 Tuesday, November 4th, 2:00 pm (dictated 11:02 pm) The road trip officially starts. Pee Wee drives the first part. The Criminal takes over in Oklahoma. CHAPTER 34 Tuesday, November 4th, 7:43 pm (dictated 11:19 pm) The Criminal, Beth and the Cat watch the Wizard of Oz, and the Night of the Living Dead. Beth explains the Civil Rights Movement to the Cat, and the politics of everything else. This one was the ten-cent version. CHAPTER 35 Wednesday, November 5th, 1:04 am (dictated 7:21 am) The gang hooks up with Denise and they drive to her house. She actually gets to see the Cat talk, before she sees another cat and disappears, the Cat, not Denise. CHAPTER 36 Wednesday, November 5th, 3:18 am (dictated 6:32 am) The Gang meets Desi and finds out, really quick, how much of a fan she is of the old I Love Lucy TV show. CHAPTER 37 Wednesday, November 5th, 6:52 am (dictated 8:38 pm) Another missing person to find. Bo's wife disappeared six months ago. Bo owns and runs The Basement, but unfortunately, the gang can't go until tomorrow night, when the Beave isn't there. Two dogs also disappeared, and they do a drive by that area instead. The Criminal finds out if the Mobile can fly or not. CHAPTER 38 Thursday, November 6th, 12:06 am (dictated 9:32 am) A man in black delivers two more bottles of Jack, courtesy of the Cat and the Darknet. CHAPTER 39 Thursday, November 6th, 7:58 am (dictated 6:42 pm) Before they go shopping, the gang takes another look at where the two dogs disappeared. The Criminal explains why talking cats will take over the world and turn us all into food. CHAPTER 40 Thursday, November 6th, 5:30 pm (dictated 12:16 am, Nov 7) Everyone goes to The Basement, including the Cat, who the Criminal finds passed out in the back of a pick-up. She tells Bo that the Beave has his wife Axalia, and during the ensuing shootout, the Beave is killed by Beth. The Sheriff tells the gang to be out of town by sundown. CHAPTER 41 Friday, November 7th, 10:00 am (dictated 1:37 pm) They leave around the time the sun comes up. The night before, the Sheriff stopped by to give them some news on Axalia and the two dogs that disappeared. The Cat watches some Mel Gibson movies. CHAPTER 42 Friday, November 7th, 7:00 pm (dictated 11:07 pm) The Criminal wakes up to find the Cat driving the Mobile using a computer and joystick. While driving, the Criminal calls Johnson, Alex and the other Amy. Beth calls Alicia, Pat and Denise. CHAPTER 43 Saturday, November 8th, 2:57 am (dictated 8:42 am) Beth and the Criminal both drive into Portland, Oregon. Mouse takes over from there. Beth calls Rhonda to get a live feed of Stephanie s arrival at the farm. As soon as Stephanie stepped out of the car, all the cats and dogs came running to greet her, and then she saw the horses. CHAPTER 44 Saturday, November 8th, 9:00 am (dictated 3:12 pm) They arrive at Pat Lonsdale's house in Tukwila, Washington. CHAPTER 45 Saturday, November 8th, 10:20 am (dictated 3:28 pm) The recon mission is set for seven that night, so everyone decides to smoke some pot. It's Washington State, after all. CHAPTER 46 Surprise!! EPILOGUE Sunday, November 9th, 2:14 pm The Criminal dictates Rhonda's interview, and some of Johnson's notes from the autopsy reports. Wednesday, November 12th, 1:00 am Beth finishes reading the Criminal's version, and gives her opinion, including the fact that the Cat told everyone that she was already pregnant, the Cat, not Beth. Saturday, November 15th, 4:20 am The Cat adds her two cents, and also explains her division by zero theory. If humans can't deal with it, "then that s a human problem, and not a Cat one."
CHAPTER SUMMARIES: PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4
[ TOP | TABLE of CONTENTS | TOP ] PART 4: THE WEDDING CHAPTER 47 Tuesday, March 24th, 8:32 am (dictated 8:32 am) The Criminal reluctantly starts his second Journal. CHAPTER 48 Saturday, November 8th, 7:36 pm (dictated 8:59 am, Mar 24) Immediately after the surprise in Seattle, Beth proves how good a shot she is, and the gang also gets their first case. CHAPTER 49 Saturday, November 8th, 9:17 pm (dictated 9:41 am, Mar 24) Zack and Jack fly the gang to Louisiana for their first case. Mouse and Pee Wee volunteer to drive the Mobile and meet them there. The gang finds the seven-year-old girl, but before they even have a chance to celebrate, they get another case. CHAPTER 50 Sunday, November 9th, 5:32 am (dictated 10:37 am, Mar 24) They end up on their way to Chicago to find a missing Mom. The gang learns that Zack and Jack s second plane is being re-engineered to fly the Mobile around with them, but also run on electricity rather than jet fuel. CHAPTER 51 Wednesday, March 25th, 5:46 am (dictated 5:46 am) Beth sneaks in and adds her opinion. CHAPTER 52 Wednesday, November 26th, 10:38 am (dictated 7:41 am, Mar 25) The gang takes a break and flies home for Thanksgiving. The Cat and the Criminal decide to switch from liquor to pot. CHAPTER 53 Sunday, November 9th, 7:06 am (dictated 9:28 am, Mar 25) The Criminal remembers back to that crazy time in Chicago. CHAPTER 54 Tuesday, November 25th, 2:03 pm (dictated 11 am, Mar 25) He also remembers back to the mind blower in Maine. CHAPTER 55 Wednesday, November 26th, 2:26 pm (dictated 3:04 pm, Mar 25) Beth, Darryl and the Criminal walk in on a surprise party, and the Cat gets examined by Barry. Of course, they have to tell him the secret. CHAPTER 56 Thursday, November 27th, 9 am (dictated 3:41 pm, Mar 25) The gang spends Thanksgiving at Grandmother Parker s house. CHAPTER 57 Friday, November 28th, 5:22 am (dictated 7:13 pm, Mar 25) The gang heads to Quantico. CHAPTER 58 Saturday, November 29th, 6 am (dictated 7:49 pm, Mar 25) Everyone meets the President, including the Cat, and they have a private pow wow in another room. He also watches as Beth demonstrates her skills with a gun, while the Secret Service stands nervously by, ready for the worst, but also hoping for the best. CHAPTER 59 Wednesday, January 7th, 8:51 am (dictated 9:16 pm, Mar 25) The fiasco in Frisco unfolds with an armed attack on Beth at the farm. She easily kills all four of them, after barely avoiding the first bullet by inches. CHAPTER 60 Wednesday, January 7th, 3:32 pm (dictated 9:25 am, Mar 26). Beth finds Bowser dead. The Criminal has to knock himself out. Rhonda wants to just kick some ass and find Bowser s killer. CHAPTER 61 Sunday, February 1st, 8:26 am (dictated 10:09 am, Mar 26) The Super Bowl Party. CHAPTER 62 Friday, March 20th, 7:49 am (dictated 10:43 am, Mar 26) The Bachelor Party. CHAPTER 63 Saturday, March 21st, 9:06 am (dictated 11:28 pm, Mar 26) The Wedding.
BUY: PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4
[ TOP | TABLE of CONTENTS | TOP ] BUY EITHER VERSION AT AMAZON.COM: KINDLE $2.99 PAPERBACK $6.99 (+tax and any shipping) AmyStrange & the Criminal (PART 1: the Escape) The Criminal, his fianc e, and secret friends help AmyStrange, the talking Cat, escape from her captors.
Q: WHY SHOULD I BUY THESE BOOKS
A: What I tell people:
"Because, it'll help, when the Cats take over."
What I really mean:
"COME ON! Help a buddy out. Buy my book."
BUT, THE TRUTH IS:
It's a really good story, and to prove it,
Part 1 is FREE.
GO HERE TO GET IT.
OR, [CLICK HERE] TO READ PART 1 NOW, ON THIS WEBSITE
REMEMBER: THIS BOOK IS NOT FOR CHILDREN
FORMAT: (Digital) KINDLE E-Book Reader
BUY AT Amazon.com:
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Pages: 238
Size: 473 KB
FORMAT: (Hardcopy) Paperback
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Pages: 236
Size: 6" x 0.59" x 9"
BUY: PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4
[ TOP | TABLE of CONTENTS | TOP ]
BUY EITHER VERSION AT AMAZON.COM:
KINDLE $2.99 PAPERBACK $6.99
(+tax and any shipping)
AmyStrange & the Criminal
(PART 2: the Disappearance)
The Criminal's pretend arch-enemy disappears,
and it's up to AmyStrange to find her.
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Pages: 234
Size: 467 KB
FORMAT: (Hardcopy) Paperback
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Pages: 232
Size: 6" x 0.58" x 9"
BUY: PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4
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BUY EITHER VERSION AT AMAZON.COM:
KINDLE $2.99 PAPERBACK $5.99
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AmyStrange & the Criminal
(PART 3: the Road Trip)
The gang heads to Seattle to rescue
two of AmyStrange's cat buddies.
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Pages: 198
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BUY: PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4
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BUY EITHER VERSION AT AMAZON.COM:
KINDLE $2.99 PAPERBACK $7.99
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AmyStrange & the Criminal
(PART 4: the Wedding)
The gang runs around the country finding missing persons,
ending with the Wedding of Beth and the Criminal.
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CONTACT ME
[ TOP | TABLE of CONTENTS | TOP ]
IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS
(or EVEN if you just wanna send me a nasty,
yet tasteful, comment or review)
feel free to e-mail me at (remove spaces):
ATOM @ ATOMADNESS.COM
Or, send snail mail to:
Dave Ayotte
C/O A TOUCH OF MADNESS
POB 88375
Tukwila, WA 98138-2375
Q: WILL I ANSWER BACK
A: That really depends on how well,
you can make nasty, sound tasteful.
( PSSST... IF YOU LIKE READING CRAZY CRAP LIKE THIS,
THEN YOU'VE JUST GOTTA [CLICK HERE]
AND READ MY BLOG on AMYSTRANGE.ORG)
[ TOP | TABLE of CONTENTS | TOP ]
The
AmyStrange & the Criminal
Series by Dave Ayotte