time, all I have to do is think of a   
date and time, and I’m reliving it like
a movie.                               
     I can also fast-forward, rewind,  
or freeze a frame and study it like a  
photograph.                            
     It’s why I can go back to when I  
was six, and also two weeks ago, and   
dictate it like it’s happening right in
front of me.                           
     You can take what I dictate as    
Gospel, except maybe the context.      
That’s obviously my personal opinion.  
     Anyway,  most of the time, I have 
control over my playback functions, but
what you don’t know is why I sometimes 
lose that control.                     
     Long before I met you, I decided  
to stop telling people about it, be-   
cause I’ve been beat up, almost killed 
* a couple times, and even Beth wanted to  
shoot me when she found out about it.  
     I guess if I fought back, I would-
n’t get beat up so much, but why?      
That’s exactly what I deserve, and af- 
ter that first punch, all I can see is 
that video anyway. The pain feels good,  
but dying, I don’t know about that one 
anymore.                               
     Back in the beginning, dying real-
ly would’ve solved everything. No more 
Darkness. No more video. No more guilt.
No more anything, but now, it scares   
the fuck out of me.                    
     I get these crazy impulses, and I 
just can’t stop myself.                
     If I’m on the top of a ten-story  
building, and I see someone hurting an 
animal across the street, I will liter-
ally walk off the side of the  building
to save that animal. It’s just like I’m
stepping  off the curb and crossing the
street, except I’m ten stories up, and 



CHAPTER 1: WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15th
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